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Your Guide to Dating Christians
So you’ve heard that one of the best places to find a nice guy or girl for you to spend the rest of your life with is in the church, huh? 
Or perhaps you’ve heard that’s where you find the biggest freaks. Either way, you want to date a Christian, but you’re just not sure how to go about it. After all, Christian culture can be a bit strange sometimes. But you’re right to think that most Christians are great people. They’re very accepting, welcoming, and open to exploring new things. For the most part, they’re good people to be in a relationship with, given that you don’t mind adhering to a few (mostly unspoken) “rules.” In order to help you out, I’ve listed a few of those rules and the best ways to navigate them. Enjoy.
Act saved. Being a Christian is all about maintaining appearances. Try not to yell at people in public or listen to any non-worship music (when other people are around) or dress to scantily because people won’t think that you know Jesus. Please make sure you remember your manners. And the more ways you can find to use Scripture in your daily life, the better.
Be the person you think people expect you to be. This idea goes hand in hand with the point above. Christians expect other Christians to act, talk, walk, and dress a certain way. If you don’t conform and fit into their “Christian” bubble, you must not really be saved. Make sure you hang around Christians and pick up their lingo to ensure complete comprehension of their culture and their expectations of you. If you don’t know what to say, be silent — they’ll think you’re really mature and spiritual.
Don’t talk about sex or anything having to do with sex. The Bible says, as singles, we’re not supposed to be having any sex and it makes us rather uncomfortable when you talk about it. It reminds us what we can’t do, and if we’ve done it before, as most have, it reminds us of all that we’re missing. Talking about sex is also uncomfortable because we don’t know how to respond or what to say.
Do talk about marriage. Christians love marriage because it allows us to have sex without other people judging us. Marriage is also one of those things we do because we’re told that we’re abnormal if we don’t want to get married or we’re still single in our later years (for Christians this means early 30s).
Always pray over any food before eating. It doesn’t matter if it’s a four course meal or a stick of gum — you better thank Jesus for that sustenance before he strikes you dead. And it shows other people that you pray when you’re not in church. It’s very important to appeal to people’s perceptions of what a Christian is and conform to that.
Don’t miss church under any circumstances. You didn’t know? You’ll go to Hell if you’re not in church every Sunday. Wednesdays too. When you’re not there, people begin to question your spirituality, and wonder why you’ve backslidden — even if it was only a week’s absence. Being a Christian is all about being seen at church, whether or not you act like you’re saved once you leave. And when you pull onto the property, proper protocol dictates that you should turn down your Lil Wayne CD so others don’t hear it, or quickly turn to a Christian radio station.
Accept it when they excuse their mistakes by saying, “I’m still a work in progress.” That’s our excuse and we’re sticking to it. Mainly because we feel like we need to justify our mistakes since the world sees us as perfect — we have to live up to their expectations! Remember, it’s all about appearances.
While most of these areas could be written differently, I intentionally chose to take a sarcastic, satirical tone because sometimes you have to be able to laugh at yourself. I’m a Christian, so I know firsthand what it takes to date one.
For all the uber-religious people who I’ve totally offended, I’m considering doing a serious version of this list. But I haven’t decided yet. Maybe you can write it for me. Or maybe a serious version of this list isn’t even needed. What do you think?
[Don't forget to follow me on Twitter, and connect via Facebook.]
[Thanks to Tanisha Brito, and her blog, which gave me the idea for this post.]
11 Comments to “Your Guide to Dating Christians”
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A few you forgot:
When asked what you like to do, mention a few (at least one) Bible study by a prominent scholar (Rick Warren gets good results) that you have recently completed.
Get some Christian trinkets: hang a cross somewhere in your car, have a “Jesus loves you” bumper sticker, dawn an angel lapel pin, strategically place Christian books, stationary, etc so that others can see how “Christian” your purchases are.
If you ever encounter someone in need, casually admit that you and others planned an event, sometime in the past, to serve that exact population in need. Don’t forget to elaborate on how God moved through you and the wonderful feeling that you got for serving and spreading God’s word.
If, in the unfortunate situation, it happens that a close friend confronts you and gives your date a hint into who you really are:
tell your date that this is a poor soul from your previous life of sin and you are trying to gradually and lovingly witness to him/her. Thank God that you are no longer as sinful and retched as that unfortunate soul. Give your friend one of the most apathetic looks that you can muster and quickly move on.
Haha. I know you’re being sarcastic, but you are also speaking the truth about (some) Christians. Unfortunately we tend to be over preoccupied with our appearance that we are not authentic. And as a result, we come off as being weird.! As much as I dislike it, I am guilty of it too
Stuart you are funny. But a lot of Christians feel this way. They judge you on what they see or feel is right.
YES! Preach, brother. Christian culture is so fake. Really. I’m so glad somebody finally said it. Imma post this on my facebook page if you don’t mind.
Very funny Stu! Way to break down the myths of Christian dating. You know there are people who really believe this right…lol
HAAAA!!! Don’t do it! Sarcasm is good for the soul LOL. This was great. Just what I needed to erase the scowl I had on my face!!
This is hilarious, Stu.
Gaahhh! You didn’t even mention the proper way to do a testimony (which is probably just a subpoint to your “Act Christian” section):
When giving a testimony, you must begin talking about your life of sin and how close you were to totally giving in to the enemy… BUT GAWD!!! Then you must speak in tongues until you forget what you were talking about in the first place, then end with a phrase like “I’ve been running for Jesus ever since, and I’m not tired yet,” leaving your subject in utter befuddlement.
You. Is. Crazy. ROTFL (and drooling — just a lil’ bit d’oh).
Everything you said is SOOO on point! Very “Christianese-ish”. (I know, that ain’t a word. Thanks for pointing it out).
But what makes it so funny (or perhaps sad???) is that this is actually the way most Christians feel they have to act in front of other so-called Christians. Coming from a strict religious background, you had me literally crying in my chair. I almost tinkled a little bit too. *Almost*. TMI?? Oh, my bad.
Anywho, you missed another one: carrying around a large bible with color coded highlighted scriptures, so folks be thinkin’ you is real studious with de Word and stuff.
A few you forgot:
When asked what you like to do, mention a few (at least one) Bible study by a prominent scholar (Rick Warren gets good results) that you have recently completed.
Get some Christian trinkets: hang a cross somewhere in your car, have a “Jesus loves you” bumper sticker, dawn an angel lapel pin, strategically place Christian books, stationary, etc so that others can see how “Christian” your purchases are.
If you ever encounter someone in need, casually admit that you and others planned an event, sometime in the past, to serve that exact population in need. Don’t forget to elaborate on how God moved through you and the wonderful feeling that you got for serving and spreading God’s word.
If, in the unfortunate situation, it happens that a close friend confronts you and gives your date a hint into who you really are:
tell your date that this is a poor soul from your previous life of sin and you are trying to gradually and lovingly witness to him/her. Thank God that you are no longer as sinful and retched as that unfortunate soul. Give your friend one of the most apathetic looks that you can muster and quickly move on.
Gaahhh! You didn’t even mention the proper way to do a testimony (which is probably just a subpoint to your “Act Christian” section):
When giving a testimony, you must begin talking about your life of sin and how close you were to totally giving in to the enemy… BUT GAWD!!! Then you must speak in tongues until you forget what you were talking about in the first place, then end with a phrase like “I’ve been running for Jesus ever since, and I’m not tired yet,” leaving your subject in utter befuddlement.