9
I Am Ready For Love… Or Am I?
I woke up this morning singing — or rather, groaning — the melody of one of my favorite India Arie songs. It’s perhaps one of my favorite songs of all time, India or not because it seems to voice those wants and desires that I can’t always articulate myself. And it does so in a beautiful way.
I am ready for love…
But am I? I don’t know that I can confidently say I am. I wonder: How does one know when they are ready for love? Do you just wake up one morning and say, “Today, I am ready”? Or do you have a checklist of things you must complete and then you’ll be ready? What’s the litmus test?
Lately, it seems like I’ve seen a more than the usual amount of relationship-based foolishness. For the first time in my life, I’ve figured out and understood why people don’t want to get married. Considering that I’m a hopeless (or, as one friend says — hopeful) romantic, that says a lot. Love and marriage is hard work. Too often people enter them haphazardly, without fully understanding the implications of their actions and choices — not only for themselves and their partner, but for those around them who are watching them to see what happens.
(To be fair — I know of several relationships that have beautifully blossomed over the past year or so. It’s never all bad; it seems that, right now, the bad relationships are outweighing the good. Or perhaps I’m just noticing them more in order to justify my fears.)
While every relationships is very different from the next, it’s incredibly disheartening to see so many fall apart. And coming from a divorced household, that fear, the fear of failing at relationships, is even greater. While I know someone else’s relationship falling apart has little to do with the success of mine, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll become yet another statistic on the wall of failure.
Why are you hiding from me?
Perhaps it is not love that’s hiding from me, but instead I that am hiding from it. Maybe I know where to find it, but because of the above mentioned reasons, I haven’t yet deemed myself ready to find it. Or maybe I’m just scared.
As I survey my life right now, all the good and the bad and the ugly, I don’t see something that I want to bring a woman into. Obviously no one is perfect, and there will forever be issues I’m working through and dealing with — that’s life. And of course, I’m my own worst critic. But I feel that there are certain things in my life which, were I a woman looking at me, I would be very hesitant about. Granted, I’ve become adept at covering these things up and making them seem better than they really are, but if I’m going to love, that means pure honesty — going beyond just telling the truth (because Lord knows we can answer questions truthfully and still withhold certain aspects of the truth) and goes into the realm of volunteering information without being asked.
I’d quickly give my freedom to be held in your captivity
This can be both incredibly wonderful and ridiculously scary at the same time. The other night I found myself watching “Tough Love: Couples” on VH1. This particular episode was the season finale where two of the couples were getting married, but one of the men was having a fairly severe case of cold feet. While he overcame his issues and ended up going through with the ceremony, I could identify with where his mind was.
Discussing this with a girlfriend the next day, she asked me why men do that. I told her it’s simple — we lose sight of the one person we’re going to be spending the rest of our lives with and focus on the hundreds or even thousands of people we won’t be spending any time with. It’s a matter of focus and priority. It’s as much about saying, “no” to everyone else as it is saying, “yes” to that one person.
It’s the canceling out of all those other options that makes us, as men, fearful. (And knowing that men hate to be afraid, is it any wonder that many of us just avoid it altogether?) Marriage, unlike any other choice we’ll ever make is permanent. If I buy a car or a house I don’t like — let’s sell it. Got a new job and I don’t like it — get another one. Marriage is the only choice a person will ever make that cannot be reversed. Accordingly, it’s not one that should be taken lightly.
Ok, fine, go ahead and ask about the d-word — I don’t believe in that foolishness. It’s a punk move. If I make a vow, a covenant between myself, a woman, and God, I do so with the expectation that I will uphold that vow no matter what. A man’s integrity is found in his ability to keep his word and do that which he says he will do. For me, there is no way out. Period.
You may be wondering why it seems like I’m jumping from love to marriage and back again when I’m not even in a relationship. I, unlike some people, don’t take relationships lightly. If we’re dating, the intention is that we’re on the journey to find out whether or not we should marry each other. For me, marriage and dating are inextricably linked.
Tell me this — Have you ever been where I am? Do you see relationships failing and not want to get involved at all? How do you overcome the feelings of worry or doubt? Talk to me…
12 Comments to “I Am Ready For Love… Or Am I?”
Leave a comment
Get the Updates
Connect with me
Recent Vlog
Recent Comments
My Yelp Reviews
A Quote I Love
Blogroll
- … writing while black…
- adam herod | honestly
- Agnostic Hedonist: Ok, I wanna play too…
- Aisha Speaks
- Aweseomely Luvvie
- But I Love Me More
- Dirty Pretty Thangs
- Herz and Seele
- Joy's Rant List
- Marc Lamont Hill
- Naked With Socks On
- Rae Lewis-Thornton: Diva Living with AIDS
- Random Rhyme & Reason
- Red Clay Scholar
- Sarah So Sincere
- The Beautiful Struggler
- The Fabulous Giver
- The Ramblings of the All Mighty Isis
- The Red Pump Project
- The Red Tie Project
- theFreshXpress.com
- There From Here
- This May Concern You
- Thoughts of Nika the PR Diva
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by fureousangel, fureousangel. fureousangel said: RT @StuMcDnld: NEW Blog >> I Am Ready For Love… Or Am I? | http://bit.ly/drEU6R [...]
I loved this post! As a fan of India Arie this is by far one of my favorite songs by her. It speaks volumes as to what I think on many days.
My girlfriends and I just had this discussion over the Memorial Day weekend. Each of us expressed our desire to be in relationships. But when I am alone and think to myself, I oftentimes realize I am just not ready to be in love. As badly as I think a life with a monogamous partner would far surpass this single life I'm currently living, I also realize if it is a healthy relationship I want, I must wait.
I guess in a sense I am afraid of failure. I don't think anybody wants to love someone, be with them for an extended time, envision a life with them for it to not work out. But more so than failure, I'm hesitant about jumping into a relationship at this point because I know I have to work on ME. There are patterns I see in my past relationships that I do not want to take into future ones. I know the only remedy for that is working on myself. Alone.
I do see the failed relationships being at an all time high. Much of this has to do with this "I'm do me" mentality we've adopted. Another aspect of it is people not feeling a higher level accountability for their actions. By this I mean if a man or woman cheats on his or her spouse, usually they feel bad for their actions because of how it made the other person feel. But what you rarely see is someone committing those types of acts and feeling like they've wronged God, or whoever they look to as a higher being.
But for me it isn't the rate of others failed relationships/marriages that keep me in my state of singledom(yeah I made that up). It is me knowing what is best for me at the moment and working to make myself a better person before I even think about loving someone else. Sorry for my dissertation of a comment. lol
BTW: "We lose sight of the one person we’re going to be spending the rest of our lives with and focus on the hundreds or even thousands of people we won’t be spending any time with." OMG, the funniest and realest thing I've heard all day.
That whole third paragraph just made me do a *church shout* and run around my room. Wholeheartedly agree with you!
To some extent, I have to wonder how much I'm afraid of it actually working as opposed to the relationships failing. It makes me think about the quote about how our greatest fear isn't of failure, but of success. But who really knows? Seems like my heart changes almost daily sometimes. But I'm glad to know I'm not the only "crazy" one out there.
Glad I could be both real and hilarious at the same time. (Funny how I didn't really think about our emails last week until now — remember that I mentioned it had been a while since I've done a transparent post? Here you go.)
I believe, like you said, a lot of us don't understand what love, in its most ideal form entails. Love has very little to do with 'I', in my opinion. Love asks the question, every morning it wakes up ' How can I make you more happy than the day before? What can I do to ensure that you grow into the best you that you can be? ' To me, love = service & sacrifice. If you aren't willing to put the needs of another above your own, you aren't ready for love. And another thing! What is the point of dating and relationships if it doesn't lead to marriage? Let's just be together for the sake or being together for the rest of our lives but when either one of us decides that we can do better or get better, we will just up and leave because we haven't made a committment to each other? Bunk, I say! BUNK! Let me not go IN on this, because I can….and will once given the chance to.
Have you been divorced? Believe me, it's worse than being widowed. God help you – literally – if kids are involved. Right now, "I don't like being alone," as Frankie Beverly sang, but I REALLY don't like loud arguing, freezing stares, or icy silence. Sometimes I just don't think that easy access to sex is worth the rest of it. I'm sorry, I have my son, and teh bigest thing I have to do is keep him fed and clothed. He doesn't argue, if he sulks I can cut it off, and he'll NEVER divorce me. Best of all, he loves me whether I do what he wants or not. As far as sex goes, I didn't come into the world having it, and when I leave the world I won't have it either. ____Now, as long as I don't see any romantic comedies involving Will Smith, Nia Long, Regina King, or Kimberly Elise, I'll be fine…
All i have to say is "It's summer. Wait til Fall." lol That's snuggle season.
Shooo… you right! I'll be wanting to find me a winter boo it get all snuggly with. Dang! I hate how predictable that is!
Stu – this was a great blog! You touched on SO many things, and your fears are the fears of oh-so-many people. And especially in this day and age where we have learned to 'cope' on our own, it almost seems moronical to give up your comfortable routine to jump into the unknown with someone else. Especially when there is a chance it won't work out. Just getting back to equilibrium after a bad 6-month relationship is horrible. I cannot imagine how long it would take me to recover from a divorce. Sidenote – spousal murder is on the rise again. So maybe some people never DO get over it…. Anyway, I do agree that divorce is a punk move. What I also think is that the people who value the vows of marriage the most are the most scared to get married. It weighs so heavily on us that we become paralyzed by the pressure. And so we stay alone – where it's safe and comfortable. I could go on forever about this so I will consciously s.t.o.p.
[...] I was reading my Twitter boo and fellow writer Stuart McDonald’s blog post “I Am Ready for Love…Or Am I? As I read the great points Stu made while humming the tunes of India Arie’s song, I began [...]
[...] I was reading my Twitter boo and fellow writer Stuart McDonald’s blog post “I Am Ready for Love…Or Am I? As I read the great points Stu made while humming the tunes of India Arie’s song, I began [...]
Great post! I don't know why I'm just reading it.
Over my last year and a half of being single, I have never wanted to be in a relationship as much as I do now. I think I've grown more as a person being single and am definitely ready to find love but Mr. Right has not come knocking. Instead, I've met too many Mr. Right Nows who I'm not interested in entertaining. It's like those I meet are only weighing their options (I also blog about this topic all of the time). It seems as if it's impossible for men of a certain age to set their sights on just one woman any more and it's getting more and more frustrating. I think it's a good sign that you are open to the possibility of finding Mrs. Right. I wish more men would consider it instead of being so anti-relationship.
Great post —
The way I approached this whole love thing. As a recent engagee (if thats a word), I've committed myself and my relationship with my fiance and soon-to-be wife to constant and consistent pursuing. Through the road bumps and the rainbows, it takes a conscious effort to make a relationship thrive & reach its full potential.
I love to write on this kind of stuff — love, relationship thoughts..
Really enjoy your perspective & blog.