May
14

In The Midst Of “I Don’t Know”

[tweetmeme] Burst couldn’t be a more appropriate word. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. Like a water balloon too full, tears spilled out of my eyes, down my cheeks and chin, and landed on the table below. My ears heard the words, they understood the sentences they formed, but my mind wouldn’t let me process or comprehend what I had just heard. I couldn’t fathom why a person would do such a thing.

I sat there trembling, not knowing what else to do. The only words that would come out of my mouth were, “Jesus,” and “help.” Thousands of thoughts flooded my mind, most starting with, “Why?” Staring down at the half devoured burrito I realized that I had completely lost my appetite. I wanted to hurry up, finish it, and get out of here, but I couldn’t. Like a rock, I just couldn’t move, except to shake.

My best friend in the entire world just gave me the kind of news that I never expected. Although not much phases or shocks me, this absolutely blew my mind. We had talked not two hours prior and things seemed fine; they seemed normal. And then, this; the words I heard were incredible, unbelievable, and shocking. The type of thing that you never, in your wildest dreams, think you’d ever fathom dealing with.

I’ve found that it’s in times like this, times when absolutely nothing makes sense, times when nothing adds up, times when two plus two seem to equal fourteen, that we tend to question, even interrogate God harder than any other. But this time, I refuse to question God.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that His purpose and plan for my life is perfect even when I fail to see it, understand it, or even acknowledge it. I know that God was not surprised by this occurrence; it threw us way off, but He is still sovereign, seated on the throne of Heaven, still in charge of all that’s going on. And if I don’t understand, it’s not my job to question his judgements and decisions. After all, who am I? A mere human? With limited sight and skewed perspective? What sense does it make that I question an all-knowing, all-powerful God who undoubtedly has my best interests at heart?

My God has a track record thousands upon thousands of years long, the entirety of which he has shown himself to be strong, mighty, faithful, and more than able to protect, love and care for those who serve him. But even if that track record didn’t exist, he has one with me that spans over 25 years. A track record that shows me that He’s cared enough to wake me up over 9200 consecutive days, without fail. A track record that shows me that He’s loved me enough to stop me from making some boneheaded decisions. A track record that shows me that He’s not finished working in my life, and that today is his gift to me.

Right now, in this situation, in my life, and the lives that this touches, God will not fail. He cannot fail. He may not come in my timing or do what I ask or expect, but that makes him no less God, no less powerful, no less in control. He sees what I cannot, plans for things I cannot predict, and prepares a way out before I even know there’s an issue.

And yes, in the midst of all the “I don’t know” circling my head right now, there is one bright shining “I know.” I know that God is still God; that He still loves me and still cares for me; that He is still in change, in control, and already working things out, behind the scenes. I know that, in the end, He will still be glorified. And if I can just be still, He will still come through for me.

3 Comments to “In The Midst Of “I Don’t Know””

  • You're so right Stu, I did need to hear this. Right now in this moment. There are things happening to me right now that I truly do not understand. I am so angry about it because you know…I just want to be in charge. But having a belief, having FAITH is what makes it easier dealing with the not knowing. All I REALLY need to know is that God is there for me, just like he always has been, even in the darkest of my days. His track record with ME proves that I don't need to worry. Just keep believing and just keep working.

  • It's amazing how God takes us from one place to another, and though it all seems the same, the way that we handle them, if we choose to handle them differently, can bring us such different results? I'm sure that seems like a big ramble, but I think we've all been there: wanting so bad to take control of a situation and tell God, "Hey, let me do it!" when all He wants is to take the reins and say, "Naw, son… let ME do it." I've learned through different trials and situations when it's good to want to do it, and when it's best to let God do what He has destined to be done anyway.

    Much love and endurance to you during this time. I know that it can't be easy, especially with a million and one thoughts running through your head, but just remember Romans 8:28. Your love for Him and His for you will see you through your darkest hours, friend.

  • Great post and you have the right perspective, the only one that we really can have and keep living with a broken heart.

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